he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
