this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
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Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
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I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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