Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
