guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
