I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
