It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Randomize
