she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
