I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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