Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
