im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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