just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
