Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
