Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Randomize
