oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
