I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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