I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
