I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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