look no pants
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
