I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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