I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
