I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize