New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
