I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
When are your genitals available?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
