then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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