Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
