is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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