Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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