my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
