its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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