did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
