you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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