i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
