You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
