one two three fourrrrnication!
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
