I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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