So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
