Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
