Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
