My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
