I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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