I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Randomize
