last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I came so hard my ears popped.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
