I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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