I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
