you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
