Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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