I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
