just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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