Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
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