Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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