I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
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I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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