Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
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