T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
My throat feels like a candle.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
25 Hilarious ‘Sex Clubs’ You Should Try To Join
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
These 23 People Had Crazy Sex With Complete Strangers
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.