I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
