I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
When are your genitals available?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful