dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock