We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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