I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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