Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
We have started to decorate penises.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
