So drunk its hurt
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
