True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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