I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
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He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
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I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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