I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
They have beer where we have blood.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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